Friday, January 15, 2016

The Shittiest post ever

I've been putting off opening up this blog for the past week. The fact that I had already started my 5 week bump update post makes me cringe. CRINGE. because I only made it to 6 weeks before the baby just stopped growing so there's that. Well at least I never hit publish.. I really don't want to have to look at that post again. I will share this picture... 

So what happened.. I'm currently waiting for that answer. Praying it was chromosomal and not me. If its chromosomal I get to have the reassurance that our baby really wasn't meant to be. If its something with me, then man, we have a lot more problems than I thought. We should find out by today.. so I've been on pins and needles all week. 

This IVF cycle was text book for me, I felt GREAT the whole time, barely minded the shots. Now I miss those damn shots. The day of my egg transfer I had acupuncture done then again a week letter, to really send the message home to my body. At the second appointment my acupuncturist said, wow you are SO lucky to have this worked your first try, text book! And as the weeks progressed I really kept thinking about how lucky we really were, too lucky. Part of me just had a gut feeling. I got through Christmas sober (no easy feat as we went away to NH skiing with my family) skiing without Apres.. is it even skiing at all? Luckily there wasn't any snow so that made life a little easier. Because man do I love a good Apres. 

We planned a trip to Park City Utah for New Years with my brother to ski. The day before the trip I was able to get into my RE for my 7 week ultrasound, I was SO happy to get this done prior to getting on a plane to set my mind at ease. At this appointment we were going to even get to hear the heartbeat. 
I settled into the usual position, had Eddie snap a pic, and you know what, in my head I said to myself, well this picture is going to be awful if we find out the baby didn't make it. See that gut feeling, creeping back in. Always trust the gut.

The ultrasound tech found the yolk sac showed us the baby all looked good but then she measured and she said just about 6 weeks. But wait that's a week behind, we should be 7 weeks.. man I have to wait another week for everything. weird.. These are all my thoughts. To think I was worried that I was going to have to wait an extra week to meet my baby. When really I should've been thinking... we did IVF the baby's "weeks/days" are down to a science, legit science, there is no way he should be measuring a week behind, that means somethings not right. 

But still that didn't hit me, we went back to the waiting room to wait for our RE. Oh did I mention it was the first sloppy snow of the season on this day. So our RE was running behind, we were the first appointment that morning. When we finally sat down with him the first words out of his mouth were I'm sorry, then it was slow motion from there. He said the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks and would not be progressing. I cant really remember a whole lot more from that convo, it wasn't very long. I did know that I had a trip plan to Utah in less than 24 hours. What the heck was I going to do. Well per the RE's suggestion we continued the progesterone shots so my body wouldn't miscarry while I was away. Makes sense, so we continued those damn butt shots every day while in Utah and I didn't miscarry there, thank god (gotta find the silver linings). But let me tell you, nothing made me more angry than continuing those stupid shots when they were all for nothing. We made the best of Utah, I really did let myself have a good time there and drinks were plentiful, putting life on hold back in New England.

Proving that I did enjoy my drinks while in Utah! :)

The story gets worse. And I keep asking myself is this real life? We got back from Utah on Tuesday early AM - i'm talking 2 AM. We walk into a freezing cold house. Heats broken, awesome. we go to bed anyway because we need to sleep, we had to be up at 6 AM to get out the door and head to our follow up ultrasound to confirm the baby is still not growing, a formality before my scheduled D&C.
Eddie followed me in his car to the appointment, but I didn't make it very far before getting into a 3 car accident on the highway. Seriously I can't make this up!

I wish I took a picture of my face, which face planted the steering wheel. And you know what I said when the a EMT came, I'M PREGNANT, but wait I'm actually not. Well luckily Eddie was close behind and helped get through the police questions and EMT checks. We decided we could still make it to our appointment. So we drove on, and received the confirmation that in fact our baby was not going to make it. We were more prepared this time with questions, and Eddie was really good at making sure we got them all asked. 
So the D&C happened  a week ago  on Thursday January 7th, its been ROUGH. A very emotional week. I'm finally starting to feel OK emotionally and pain wise. My nose is finally not swollen anymore and my black eye went away so that helps too. Talk about a LOT to process in a week. 

So there's that. I had a successful blissfully ignorant IVF cycle for up to 6 weeks. 
What's next? Well we wait. It could take up to 6 weeks or so until I get my period again. Then assuming my body checks out we will start the process for our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). We are SO lucky to have 4 frozen embryos waiting for us.  And I really hope our doctor recommends that we implant 2 this time. I just don't know if I can go through this again or go through a failed FET. With the 2 embryos it will up our chances, and of course up our chances of having multiples as well. But hell the negative Nancy in the back of my brain keeps creeping in.. what if those little embabies don't survive the thaw??!! god I can't let myself think those thoughts. not now. 

But hey, its a 3 day we weekend, and I'm still alive. things could be much worse.